I can’t say that I’ve really talked about the true extent of what really went on with everything for my family over the last couple of years.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this post, but it’s rainy.
Quite rainy with booming thunder and quick strikes of lightning crossing the sky.
Which means I’m up due to the weather.
I never would have really thought how much mold toxicity could really affect someone or something, but now as we recover from mold exposure I’m still surprised to see how much of my life is changing, my whole outlook really, and I can’t say I really know what I expected or where I expected to be today back when I first had health issues.
Less than 2 years ago I was struggling to stay out of the hospital, eating 5 ingredients, losing way too much weight due to not eating, freaking my mom out with the thought I’d need a feeding tube from a doctor, with doctors saying there was nothing wrong, saying I needed to see a therapist, that it was all in my head, and so on and most of the doctors were completely useless that there was nothing wrong, though my hormones were a little off and I should try birth control to get them to stop the imbalances. I was having crazy shaking in my hands, and my arms, and depending on the time more of my body, gasping for breath most times, barely able to walk, barely sleeping, having allergic reactions to everything with the most major asthma attacks I ever had, and never able to find a comfortable way to sit, lay, stand, or anything. Horrible headaches, and stomach aches. Getting buzzed as I would say since my nervous system was so very messed up and causing incredible pain or crashing due to one thing or another. Those are the things that were mostly bothering me, meaning there were 0ne to one hundred other things going on. The way mold effects my body it was showing up as symptoms quite like MCAS, IBS, and several other illnesses.
I was quiet, barely able to think, had the worst brain fog, was angry, unable to control emotions, hurting, depressed, scared out of my mind, was always on the verge of a panic attack with vicious nightmares nearly every night, and I was not able to see any relief in sight.
I was exhausted. I was sick of being brushed off by doctors. I was tired of the seemingly endless pain.
We all know that gut health effects the rest of your body, and hormones can show many issues in different ways, that when your body is sick so is your mind.
Mold attacks you. Not just your body, but your mind too. It seeps into every pore and binds toxins into you to the point you don’t know what hope is anymore. As with many things, mold detox got harder before it got better.
Leaving where we’d lived to spend a crazy time with a church family and then too many months at my uncle’s before we moved across the country slowly state by state with too many bad hotels, some great ones, frequent stops as mold detox began while still looking for a place that was safe for us was hard.
Honestly? I don’t remember much. Mold clouds the mind, I remember meltdowns, pain, freezing cold or sweltering hot, pouring water over as much of my skin as possible as we left an area that bothered us, and a haze of going from one place to another.
But I also remember so many showers, baths, and dunks in pools as the water provided some relief, scrolling through the internet and finding out that there were others who understood, that I wasn’t alone, I remember beginning to eat again, coffee, watermelon or blueberry smoothies, cereal and almond milk, kombucha, tomato or lentil or split pea soup, watermelons, oh so many watermelons, and gluten/dairy-free store-bought brownies and cookie dough and I know my mom couldn’t say no because of how bad I’d been and how little I had eaten at one point and even a few icees. I remember playing pool with my siblings in a couple of hotels, and actually beginning to live again, finding joy in writing after so long of being done with it.
So began the start of real healing as we spent 11 and a half months in hotels and even an Airbnb. There were hard days, good days, crash days, and buzz days when storms were around, I remember the days when I was in bed and binge-wanted every season of Star Wars Rebels, The Mentalist, and so many other shows and then the days when I walked to the gas station next door by myself to grab a drink before going to the gym and running a mile in less than an hour or even sometimes less than half of an hour. The days when I woke up and was able to breathe and feel hope and joy.
I didn’t even expect then to really be too much better for a long time. I still had quick mood swings, I still felt like sobbing at times, and I would feel like my skin was crawling, or that we’d never get to a truly safe place.
Until we got to Oklahoma.
Oklahoma was never on my radar. Seriously! I still laugh at the fact that we went from outside of Washington D.C. all of the way to Oklahoma in a crazy twist.
But it’s beautiful here.
So beautiful!
I’m healthy, I’m hopeful, and though I struggle still I know God’s got us and loves us.
There are still things that bother me, and storms and weather changes aren’t always the easiest. But those days aren’t too often or as many as they were.
God provided us with a home, our own beds, our adorable sweet Bear, our kittens, a bunny, and He’s given us the space to have a garden, to have chickens, and to begin to build up from what was lost. He’s blessed us so much.
I’m writing. I’ve published two anthologies with two more in the works if that all works out and it’s God’s will with a good friend. Oh, The Lamented still has hope of coming out soon-ish. I’m baking. I’m cooking. I’m going for jogs. I’m spending time with my family. I’m running my own small business. I’m happy.
I’m most of all so very blessed and amazed at how good God’s been and all He’s given us, and so very thankful for each and every person He led to help and bless us.
So, to anyone who is dealing with mold illness, you are not alone. It’s not in your head. It’s real. And there’s hope.
P.S. My inbox is open to you! (Unless you're spammy, then you can take a hike 🤣)
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